Ham Humor:

Amateur Radio Operators are Human:

Besides being very serious about Amateur Radio as a hobby and community service, there is also a "funny" side to ham operators.

We hope these stories will tickle your "funny" side, too.

SO, LET'S GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD!

Was one of these hams trying to be funny?:

Two ham radio operators were seen walking away from what appeared to be a very irate young saleslady. She was quite big busted, and wore a t-shirt with the letters PAT on the front. And, one of the hams was holding his head in agony. The hams were wearing t-shirts with their call signs on the front.

"I think those letters spelled her name," said the other ham.

A ham is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road, his antennas flapping in the breeze and flopping into the other lane. A YL is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the YL narrowly missed them and leans out of the window and yells "PIG!!" The ham immediately leans out of his window and replies, "WITCH!!"
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.
If men would only listen!!!.

A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!", he says.
She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"
Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"
He replies, "Ten years!"
She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.
He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"
Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?"
And the man replies, "Wow! Don't tell me that you've got a low band rig in there!"

Two old time hams made a pact that whichever one died first would contact the surviving ham on 75 meters late at night. Well, old Ray was the first to go, so every night after he was buried his buddy Pete would listen every night on 75. Sure enough, after about a week he heard Ray giving him a call. Elated, he asked Ray what Heaven is like. "It's wonderful Pete. Every ham here has a complete "dream" shack and antenna farm just the way they want it. Why when I got here, old Art Collins himself came over and brought me a complete, brand new S line and all of us up here have a ragchew net every night!" Pete keyed up and said "Ray, that's fantastic!" Pete replied "well....you might have a different opinion. We got you scheduled for net control starting next Tuesday!"

"I stopped behind a car at a red light and noticed the auto had a ham callsign on his license plate, so I quickly beeped out "hi" in Morse code on my horn. Next thing I know, his window scrolls down and the driver leans out yelling "can't you see the %#@* light is still red!"

"My Dad is a ham radio operator, and Pop was really upset one day. He was building a Heathkit radio and accidently stuck his soldering iron between his lips instead of his pipe. Boy! was he ever mad."

"My wife said if I got on the radio one more time she was packing her bags and leaving me. Boy, I'm sure going to miss her."

A ham talking to his wife: "This is an amateur radio station. With it I can communicate around the world and help foster goodwill with other countries. I can provide emergency communications during natural disasters and provide public service communications. In order to operate this station I had to learn the Morse code and pass a difficult written exam to obtain a license from the Federal Communications Commission. There is a strict set of federal regulations that I must adhere to in order to continue operation of this station. I have been issued a callsign from the FCC that is unique; no other station in the entire world has this same callsign. In other words, I did a lot in order to be able to do a lot, SO DON"T GIVE ME ANY GRIEF ABOUT HOW MESSY THIS PLACE IS!"

Here are my favorite responses to AB5S/7�s "What a bunch of JUNK!" contest. In Dave�s own words: �The point of the contest was to find the best one-sentence reply to that universally-suffered insult to our treasured ironclads."

HONEY, Don't think of it as junk....think $$$$$ & it's yours, someday! - Robert Fowle

Junk: Stuff we throw away. Stuff: Junk we keep. - Jim Marrone

Junk? What junk? It's a long time investment in antiques!! - Dirk PA3GNR

Junk is a Chinese boat...this is precision equipment! - Phil Mills

Junk? You would prefer I collect 19th Century farm implements? - W7NI Stan Griffiths

Junk....is good - Henry Engstrom

You never know when you might NEED one of these. - N2CQR/HI8 Bill Meara

Honey this ain't junk, this is inflation-fighter stuff. I get it at 10 cents on the dollar and wait for inflation to make it worth a dollar. - Dube Todd

Out this way we call debris accumulation the ... Kiss of the Junk Fairy. - Marty AA4RM

Boatanchors Hold Yer House Down in a Tornado! - Boatanchor Bob NA4G

One man's junk...another man's treasure... and my wife's biggest headache. - Guy Dragoo

The Tower Story:

"This ham is sitting at his desk answering a letter from his insurance company... I am writing in response to your request for additional information for block 3 of the accident reporting form. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully, and I trust that the following details will be sufficient.

I am an Amateur Radio Operator and on the day of the accident I was working alone on the top section of my new 80 foot tower. When I had completed my work, I discovered that I had over the course of several trips up the tower, brought up about 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now unneeded tools and materials down by hand, I decided to lower the items down in a small barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the gin pole at the top of the tower.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and material into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 300 pounds of tools, (you will note that in block 11 of the report form that I weigh about 155 pounds.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say I proceeded up the side of the tower at a rather rapid rate. In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken collerbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my ascent up the side of the tower, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Luckily, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold onto the rope in spite of my pain. At the same time however, the barrel of tools hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed only about 20 pounds. (I refer you again to my weight in block 11.) As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40 foot level I met the barrel coming up. Well, this accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations of my legs and lower body.

The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of tools, and I was fortunate to have only 3 vertebrae cracked. I am sorry to report however, that as I lay there on the tools, in pain, unable to stand and not observing the barrel 80 feet above me, I again lost my presence of mind-- I let go of the rope."

It's good to be prepared:

"Back when the telegraph was the fastest method of long-distance communication, a young man applied for a job as a Morse code operator. Answering an ad in the newspaper, he went to the office address that was listed. When he arrived, he entered a large, busy office filled with noise and clatter, including the sound of the telegraph in the background. A sign on the receptionist's counter instructed job applicants to fill out a form and waitn until they were summoned to enter the inner office.

The young man filled out his form and sat down with the seven other applicants in the waiting area. After a few minutes, the young man stood up, crossed the room to the door of the innder office ... and walked right in. Naturally the other applicants perked up, wondering what was going on. They muttered among themselves that they hadn't heard any summons yet.

They assumed that the young man who went into the office made a mistake and would be disqualified. Within a few minutes, however, the employer escorted the young man out of the office and said to the other applicants, "Gentlemen, thank you very much for coming, but the job has just been filled." The other applicants began grumbling to each other, and one spoke up saying, "Wait a minute. I don't understand. He was the last to come in, and we never even got a chance to be interviewed. Yet he got the job. That's unfair."

The employer said, I'm sorry, but the last several minutes while you've been sitting here, the telegraph has been ticking out the following message in Morse code: "IF YOU UNDERSTAND THIS MESSAGE, THEN COME RIGHT IN. THE JOB IS YOURS." None of you heard it or understood it. This young man did. The job is his."

EXPERIENCE WANTED:

Shortly after joining the Army, I was in line with some other inductees when the sergeant stepped forward with that day's assignments. He handed several tasks out and then asked, "Does anyone here have experience with radio communications?"

Being a longtime ham radio operator, I shouted, "I do!"

"Good," he said. "You can dig the hole for the new telephone pole."

Not exactly Ham Radio, but it is funny:

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a Collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES NAVY'S ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

Top signs that you may need an elmer: By Jeffrey S. King, N1DJS, jeff.king@cbis.com An elmer is the guy you go to, to ask questions about topics in Ham Radio that you don�t understand. In that vein, you know it�s time for you to find an Elmer if...

Your friend tells you he has a new two meter radio and you figure one of the meters must be for swr and the other for power out.
You hear a conversation on the low bands about CW and you think they're refering to the cold war.
You hear someone sign this is N8XXX mobile 4 and you think it's because he has three other radios
You hear that someone won a 40 meter radio at a hamfest and you wonder how they�re going to get something that large in their house.
You build a morse code key out of plexiglass and can't figure out why it won't key your radio.
You think the difference between short wave and long wave is the speed at which you move your wrist back and forth.
You're thinking about joining your other ham frineds in the local ATV group because you own a four wheel drive vehicle that will go just about anywhere.
You won't use a repeater because you've heard that using a repeater could be dangerous. You've heard an alligator could get you.
You think a colinear antenna can only be used with two amplifiers.
You think fm is the modulation type that came after em, dm, cm, bm and am.
You wouldn't mind getting into packet radio but no matter how much you practice you can't get the hang of sending those beeps and braps with your keyer.
You wonder what sound a short wave makes and why anyone would want to listen to one.
You think the repeater owner would be a lot happier if instead of talking about his cavities he just went to the dentist and got them filled.
You think a CW ID is the number the army gave you on your dog tags during the cold war.

THE BOOTLEGGER:

A bootlegger walks into a radio store and tells the salesman that he would like to buy the new HF rig over in the corner. The salesman says, "Sorry, we don't sell to bootleggers". He leaves, goes home, puts on a brown wig and sunglasses and goes back to the store and tells the salesman he wants to buy that new rig over in the corner. Sales guy says, "Sorry, we don't sell to bootleggers". The Old boot asks, "How do you know I'm a bootlegger?" and the salesman replies, "Because that's not a rig, it's a microwave oven."

The most important piece of equipment you own:

HAM A: Whats the most important piece of radio equipment you should own? HAM B: Well, you would probably say the Antenna. I'd have to say that is a very close #2 behind my credit card.

BTW, by rearranging the letters of: "THE MORSE CODE" it becomes "HERE COME DOTS" (stayed up all night for that one).

The Wisconsin QSO Party:

During the Wisconsin QSO Party I drove around the back woods of Southwest Wisconsin. On one back road I saw a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog for Sale."

Well, I needed a break so I stopped to see what the deal was. I went into the backyard and see a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" I ask.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

Well, after I got over the shock of hearing a dog talk, I asked "So, what's your story?"

"Ah shucks there ain't much to tell. Is that a VUU screwdriver antenna on your truck out there?"

"How did you know that," I ask?

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I'm a ham radio operator. I got my Ticket when I was a young pup and in no time at all I had my 5 band DXCC in Phone and CW. The CIA heard about me and asked me to do some spy work for them. I would hang around the communications centers and with my keen hearing I could copy the transmissions. Because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping, I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years." Copying high speed CW all day really tired me out and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down. I retired from the CIA (8 dog years is 56 CIA years) and joined a ham radio club. In fact I won first place in the Oklahoma OSO Party two years in a row. Then I had a mess of puppies and got away from Ham Radio for a while. I sure miss my radio. Why don't you buy me and I'll be your CW operator in the Wisconsin QSO Party."

I said "Let me see what I can do."

I went back in and asked the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff. He's just a No Code Technician."

Top 30: You Can Tell You're A Radio Nut when...

1. You remember the exact date and time that lightning hit "the tower". The whole radio room was burned to a crisp, but you tell friends, "at least my wife wasn't home when it happened."
2. You'll spend hundreds of dollars on a new rig, and then wander the hamfest pausing each time you pass the booth selling those $7 embroidered callsign hats thinking "I wonder if they'll take $6?"
3. You're a CBer who buys a new $300 five-watt, perfectly operating rig, opens the cabinet to "tweak" it to 20 watts, knowing full well it'll end up being sent back to the company for repair. The radio comes back, and a few weeks later you repeat the process - by watching your CBer friend from across town do surgery on your radio.
4. When shopping for a new vehicle the first think you look for is space to mount the radios - you end up sitting in the front seat staring blankly at the dashboard area, feeling underneath seats, and poking around the backseat for ways to route the coax. If caught looking under the hood for holes in the firewall for your power cables, you tell your wife, "Nothing honey, just checking things under here."
5. Your family has a special annual garage sale just to get rid of the boxes of wire, coax, and power adapters-but you pay your friends to "buy" the stuff and get them to quietly return it to you the following weekend.
6. You absolutely need a radio with thousands of channels - even though you live in a town with three cops and a volunteer fire department and the airport is 350 miles away.
7. In your determination to get that new vertical antenna up, or longwire strung in the backyard, you tell family and neighbors that "it's only temporary - I'm testing it for this guy."
8. The $10 bargain you got at the fleamarket that smoked up the whole house when you turned it on is one of your prized possessions.
9. You'd rather sell your family's TV and VCR than give up the box of vacuum tubes you got at a "bargain" even though 90% of them are dead.
10. It still doesn't matter to you if the antique radio you brought home was an apartment for mice.
11. You're not speaking to your elderly neighbor because last week just as you tuned Radio Kiribati, he turned on his power drill.
12. Your wife has called you three times for dinner - then she calls you on the repeater.
13. You're the only one in your family that understands the real meaning of CW. And you get stressed out if someone's CW transmission rate varies from one to 75wpm with no warning.
14. When going on vacation, the first thing you think about packing is your handhelds, chargers, scanner and frequency book.
15. You take your scanner to work disguised as a cell phone.
16. You acknowledge conversations with your family and friends by saying 10-4 - and they think it's normal.
17. The total number of radio related books in your home are five times the total number of all other books and magazines.
18. You store extra "emergency" AA batteries in the refrigerator.
19. You're immediately recognized and spoken to by name at your favorite radio dealers.
20. You think a good time is "breaking in" a new part-time Radio Shack employee with your radio wisdom.
21. Your spouse goes to the supermarket while you "look around" in Radio Shack.
22. You visually check your outdoor antennas and coax once a week, regardless of the weather.
23. People ask you to turn down the volume on the radios when they call you.
24. The total number of antennas on your house is greater than six other houses on your block-counting the ham down the street.
25. You've considered contacting NOAA offering your voice as a substitute for that awful sounding mechanical computer-generated voice.
26. People keep asking your family about the "light that's always on" in the back room where your radio shack is located.
27. More than 95% of the photos in your family album show you with a radio strapped to your belt or a microphone in your hand.
28. You have more certificates and licenses on the wall than your local veterinarian or dentist.
29. Your cat or dog instinctively knows not to bother you when you're in your radio shack.
30. All the local cops know your vehicle on sight - "it's the blue Crown Vic with six antennas".

You MIGHT be a ham if...

1) You've argued with the waiter over a 0.25 overcharge.
2) You've picked up a computer on the side of the road while on a date.
3) You're significant other sits in the back and radios ride in the front.
4) Birds call your car the grim reaper because of all the antennas.
5) You own more than a few weather stations.
6) You own more HT's than hands.
7) You shop for a piece of land to hold an antenna tower that coincidently has a house on it.
8) You're neighbors think you're a fed.
9) The cops pull you over because they want to see the inside of the car.
10) You order drive through before getting to the sign.
11) You get excited over bad weather.
12) You have a skywarn sticker on your back window.
13) You keep track of solar cycles on a calendar.
14) You go to a tailgate party and there isn't a football fan in sight.
15) Free fleas are a good thing.
16) Talking about a radiating element makes your buddies giggle.
17) You got upset when the guy in "frequency" transmitted via his receiver.
18) You carry your HT wherever you go.

1) You refer to TV stations by call sign, not channel number.
2) You frequent RadioShack but would deny it to anyone who asks.
3) You know 276- is the start of part number for semiconductors at RadioShack.
4) You give directions based on towers instead of landmarks.
5) You know 'scanner' is a radio device, not a document device.
6) You know 'dish' is a type of antenna, not something you serve food on.
7) You know 'microwave' is medium, not something you cook food in.
8) You think an upside to gaining weight is more belt space for radios.
9) You know your home's GPS coordinates down to the minute.
10) You have more waypoints in your GPS than phone numbers in your cell phone.
11) You can adapt any connector to any other connector (but it might involve 20 or more adapters in between).
12) You buy a new car based on its antenna mounting possibilities.
13) You've answered the question `what's your address?' with four octets.
14) Your UPS has a UPS.
15) Your TV antenna transmits.
16) A tall building without antennas on top is just plain ugly.
17) Even your friends know your car's license plate number
18) You immediately think of `tower' when someone says the word `erection'.
19) You actually know the difference between baud and bits per second
20) Bad Boys Rape Our Young Girls Behind Victory Garden Walls -- makes you think of numbers.
21) You've tested a 9 volt battery with your tongue.
22) You think a good B+ is better than an A.
23) You own more Radar guns than Radar detectors.
24) You've sat in a hot car on the radio to talk to someone you could have called on the phone from your air-conditioned house.

1) You know you're a ham if you wear a DCAT Search & Rescue shirt to school, and only 1 other person out of 3600 know what the hell DCAT is!
2) You also know you're a ham if you are that one person that knows!
3) You know you're a ham if you like things on eBay with >1 Min. listed next to it!
4) You also know you're a ham if that thing with the >1 Min. is something you will never use but like the price!
5) You know you're a ham if you tuck your radio into bed.
6) You know you're a ham if you know the local police frequencies down to the ten-thousandeth and PL's.
7) You know you're a ham if your idea of fun is playing on radio towers.
8) You know you're a ham if you have your work radio frequencies programmed into your HT, for those who are skinny and don't have much belt room.
9) You know you're a ham if you can use a radio to make a phone call.
10) You know you're a ham (or related to one) if you go into severe depression and self-denial without reading your email for a day!

What can YOU add to this list!

Ham radio operators are hungry:

Several Amateur Radio operators had spent a long day in the field and at the EOC, and this conversation took place when the NC (Net Control) in charge called a nearby pizza delivery service to order.

NC: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.

Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?

NC: We're over at the EOC in the Richland County Courthouse.

Pizza Man: The EOC?

NC: That's right. I'm the Amateur Radio operator in charge.

Pizza Man: You're an Amateur Radio operator?

NC: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.

Pizza Man: And you're at the EOC?

NC: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.

Pizza Man: And you say you're all Amateur Radio operators?

NC: That's right. How soon can you have them here?

Pizza Man: And everyone at the EOC is an Amateur Radio operator?

NC: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.

Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?

NC: I have my checkbook right here.

Pizza Man: And you're all Amateur Radio operators?

NC: That's right. Everyone here is an Amateur Radio operator. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.

Pizza Man: I don't think so. Click.

A warning to other ham radio operators:

May not be funny ... but, it's a good lesson:

At 6AM or so Sunday a bunch of us decided to put up a 6 meter vertical someone had brought, and we still had one more telescoping mast, so we assembled it and carried it out to some open grass near the road. With several people holding onto guy ropes, three or four of us lifted the mast and pushed it up to vertical, only to hear a loud ZANGGGGGGG sound. Looking up, we realized we had pushed it up directly between a pair of what appeared (from the nearby pole insulators) to be 4800 volt power lines which, thankfully, were not energized (otherwise I would definitely not be typing this). Instantly frozen in terror, we carefully, carefully lowered the antenna and mast back to the ground and stumbled off in a state of shock to sit down and mull over what had just happened.

I still get the shivers when I think about it.

Lesson to all - set up your antennas when you are still bright eyed and bushy tailed, and it's light out. And beware of seemingly bright ideas to put up new antennas in the wee hours. Above all - Always LOOK UP before putting anything up in the air.

Strange things happen during Field Day:

W2XR, Bruce, recalled what happened during a Field Day event.

I remember during Field Day in 1981, and I was manning the phone position of the Larkfield ARC here on Long Island. I swear this actually happened: I worked W2SEX, and then the next immediate contact was with W2VD.

I said to W2VD, "We just had SEX, now we have VD". I don't recall his reaction, but the guys at our operating position were hysterical.

I guess this is what can happen when you have an unprotected QSO.

What not to find on a Fox Hunt:

Bubba and Clem, two ham radio operators on a Fox Hunt, found three hand grenades rather than the hidden transmitter. They decided that they better take them to the police station.

"What if one of them explodes before we get there?" asks Clem.

"Don't worry about it," says Bubba. "We'll just lie and tell them we only found two."

SMILE!

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn�t much, but the reception was excellent.

Ham radio and CPR:

Having recently completed a CPR course, a lady Amateur Radio operator was anxious for the chance to try out what she had learned.

One day while she was leaving the shopping center, she spotted a man lying on the ground with a crowd of people around him. Feeling this was her chance, the XYL screamed, "Get back, I know CPR", ran to the guy, tossed her bag down, loosened all his clothing and prepared to administer mouth-to-mouth.

Suddenly, a huge policeman tapped her on the shoulder and said, "Lady! Do you mind? I'm trying to arrest this man!"

Some video clips concerning ham radio. Enjoy!

Thanks to Dan, KC9HHG, here is a video of "how not to put up an antenna" at Field Day. Does it remind you of a certain "well known" group putting up a "wobbly"?

Click here.
This video is not exactly "working" on a tower, but it shows why safety when doing so is so immportant.
This should be a warning that if you do work on towers --- BE PREPARED! Stupid is as stupid does.

Go here.

Do you cause the neighbor's lights to flash? Their t.v. set to flicker? This video should create a chuckle. Do you know how to prevent this from happening?

Click here.

And, here is a video of how "ham" radio was perceived MANY years ago.

Click here.

Return to the top

RETURN TO OUR HOMEPAGE